I am now a slave to apps. Yesterday, I burnt 1,335 calories, consumed 1,670 more, walked 11,284 steps and spent 1 hour and 39 minutes on my phone, consumed 2.35 mega thingeys of data, checked the temperature twice and checked in twice at places around town.
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My phone is running out of memory.
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I have a new app that tells me where I am anywhere in the world and how many footsteps it is to where I want to go.
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I’ve even downloaded a map on Monrovia in case I ever go there. I don’t even know where it is.
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Madrid to Moscow
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I can now drive from Madrid to Moscow and never run out of petrol because every filling station pops up. Parking, too, plus alternative routes in case traffic is bad.
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I can drive anywhere across Europe all the way to Vladivostock, or from the bottom of Italy to the top of Scotland — and Iceland — and never lose my way or be hard pressed to park.
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So too the Baltic states, all 50 of the United States, plus Puerto Rico and the US dependencies. You never know where you’ll end up if you’re going for a drive.
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I have seven pages of apps on my phone.
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Do you know what to cook if you have some cooked white rice, a tin of sardines and a smelly jar of outdated olives in your fridge? Well I do. I could rustle up something tasty from that lot — but I’m still not convinced about the out-of-date black olives. Maybe they’ll turn green if I leave them there a bit longer. And isn’t the expiration date of July 2017 only a suggestion anyway.
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All you have to do is type in what you have, and voila, a gourmet meal.
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Futuristic city
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I have 19 news apps on my phone. They all basically report the same thing at the same time and sure the news in on 24-hour news channels on television anyway. But I can’t sit in front of CNN all day and it’s better to have backups for sure. Maybe 19 is a little excessive, but you never know. One of them might have something the others don’t have — and the breaking news alert would be timely as I’m parking somewhere in the Upper Volga region on my drive to Rostov-on-Don.
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I can tell you how noisy it is in decibels when I start my car or drive with the window open. I also know the altitude of where I am at any given time.
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I can build a futuristic city and erase it at the touch of a screen. I have the ability to turn a pristine forest into a kingdom that can dominate the world, fly an A380 from London to New York in five minutes, fight a Second World War tank battle over coffee and toast and monitor my heart rate and blood pressure.
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You never know what your blood pressure might be like when taking a wrong turn at Gdansk, should I ever have to drive there and can’t find petrol or a parking spot.
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I can tell the time and know what time it is anywhere in the world, never miss a train anywhere across Europe and compare hotel rooms in towns I never even heard of.
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Did you know that I have three different calculators on my phone just in case one doesn’t work? One even looks like an old scientific one I had just before I graduated from secondary school.
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I can book a flight from anywhere to anywhere else should I not be able to drive. I’ll have a map for anywhere, too.
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And I just discovered my phone can make a call.
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